Yeah, we're clear. Sorry to disappoint you like this.
[ He doesn't say sorry often, not even when he's fully acting a part. But he doesn't even feel like himself right now. Jumbled pieces of Sylar and Gabriel and everyone he's ever pretended to be seem to be swirling inside of him and bumping into each other. He can feel the regret lapping at his feet, threatening a wave to overwhelm him, and maybe recognizing this much would hold it at bay for awhile. ]
[It confuses him so much to be apologised to for something like this, and he really isn't in any state of mind right now to sort through the minefield of potentially feeling sorry for someone who's murdered others.]
I don't know how much right I have to be disappointed right now.
[ Rough times, Al. He actually feels bad for you. ]
As much right as you did before. None of what happened last night was your choice. I could see how hard all of you were fighting against it. It overwhelmed you.
I saw it from the outside last night, I think. And from what I could tell, none of you had a chance. It pressed hard enough that it was integrated into your own thought process. It was feeding you lines and telling you they were your own.
I had thought what I'd done was what I wanted, that I'd changed my mind. But now I don't know if I was just fooling myself, if I should've held on longer. Things have been different here. I've been different.
[He's not sure if he's being fed lies or not, with Zane-- no, Gabriel-- acting penitent or confused just to keep from being displayed openly on the guide.]
You think you were being controlled to kill? How different have you been? Please talk to me.
[ It takes a few minutes before the response comes back. He's not trying to avoid talking to Al, but...how does he explain it? ]
I don't know. I haven't been automatically moving to violence. I did my best to avoid hurting anyone last night, even though no one would've blamed me. I realized my mistake with Mohinder as it was happening. I want to figure out what's going on here, but it's not as overwhelming as it would probably have been back home.
That urge- I think my original ability had a side effect. My ability told me how to fix something so it would work properly, perfectly, but that'd be the only information I'd get. I had to know more. I always needed the full explanation. When I understood an ability fully, I could make it mine. I killed my first victim without even thinking about it, took his telekinesis, and only then realized what I'd done. Up till that point, the only important thing was to learn what was already known, at all costs. It felt right, it felt like what I was always meant to do. Like destiny.
I'd gotten used to that need always being at the forefront of my mind. I knew something was off here, but I thought it was something else. I didn't notice what I was missing until I saw it in other people last night. I didn't think I was out of my own control before.
[There's no clean cut and dry answer, but Al's used to that. So many things have huge grey areas and a line of morality that's so blurred it's almost invisible. He still doesn't know whether that makes Gabriel accountable for what he did or whether it absolves him somewhat because of a loss of control.
He reads through the whole thing four times, but he's still hardly closer to figuring out a proper response, he needs to ask more.]
Do you want to make amends now? Do you want to make up for what you've done?
[ All those times he told Al he was amazed by and envied his optimism were the truth, to some extent. He didn't think it was possible, that someone could be so determined and still so...good. He thought Al had to be lying somewhere. And while this offer to help still makes him think something's up, he's not automatically assuming Al wants something out of it. Other than maybe his own redemption. Maybe, just maybe, Al doesn't want to use him. ]
Thank you.
[ Another thing he almost never says. He wonders if he'll regret this tomorrow. ]
[He learned a long time ago that things are very rarely simple, very rarely black and white.
He and Ed committed an atrocity, a sin that everyone should hate them for, but nobody did and they had not done it with cruel intentions. They have allies in Scar and Greed, both men who have killed, but both men with reasons and complexities that go beyond just their actions.
He can't ever condone what Gabriel has done, but perhaps he can help him move forwards to a better future.]
What are friends for?
[He'll never get better if someone doesn't extend the hand of friendship.]
[ That hits him harder than he expects. Even after this whole conversation, would Al go that far? Just because Sylar said he wanted to do the impossible? ]
I wouldn't know. I don't think I'd ever had a real one.
I'm going to try and understand this. And I won't hurt anyone, not just to keep myself off the list. If I was being controlled in some way, I don't want to fall into that again.
[ This is a promise he'll fail almost immediately, considering Sherlock's goading. But with how poorly that goes, and his obvious lack of control, he'll keep it in mind for the future. ]
[ That's never been true. It probably isn't now. But it sure sounds like a nice change of pace. ]
I'll do that.
And I know you have plenty of people willing to help you out, and I'm probably the worst candidate out of the bunch. But the same goes for me too. Call me anytime.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Are we clear?
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Yeah, we're clear. Sorry to disappoint you like this.
[ He doesn't say sorry often, not even when he's fully acting a part. But he doesn't even feel like himself right now. Jumbled pieces of Sylar and Gabriel and everyone he's ever pretended to be seem to be swirling inside of him and bumping into each other. He can feel the regret lapping at his feet, threatening a wave to overwhelm him, and maybe recognizing this much would hold it at bay for awhile. ]
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I don't know how much right I have to be disappointed right now.
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As much right as you did before. None of what happened last night was your choice. I could see how hard all of you were fighting against it. It overwhelmed you.
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Do you know what that's like?
[Why else would Sylar be sorry?]
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I saw it from the outside last night, I think. And from what I could tell, none of you had a chance. It pressed hard enough that it was integrated into your own thought process. It was feeding you lines and telling you they were your own.
I had thought what I'd done was what I wanted, that I'd changed my mind. But now I don't know if I was just fooling myself, if I should've held on longer. Things have been different here. I've been different.
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You think you were being controlled to kill? How different have you been? Please talk to me.
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I don't know. I haven't been automatically moving to violence. I did my best to avoid hurting anyone last night, even though no one would've blamed me. I realized my mistake with Mohinder as it was happening. I want to figure out what's going on here, but it's not as overwhelming as it would probably have been back home.
That urge- I think my original ability had a side effect. My ability told me how to fix something so it would work properly, perfectly, but that'd be the only information I'd get. I had to know more. I always needed the full explanation. When I understood an ability fully, I could make it mine. I killed my first victim without even thinking about it, took his telekinesis, and only then realized what I'd done. Up till that point, the only important thing was to learn what was already known, at all costs. It felt right, it felt like what I was always meant to do. Like destiny.
I'd gotten used to that need always being at the forefront of my mind. I knew something was off here, but I thought it was something else. I didn't notice what I was missing until I saw it in other people last night. I didn't think I was out of my own control before.
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He reads through the whole thing four times, but he's still hardly closer to figuring out a proper response, he needs to ask more.]
Do you want to make amends now? Do you want to make up for what you've done?
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That's a moot point now, isn't it? Maybe I could've redeemed myself after Brian Davis, but there's no 'making amends' considering all I've done.
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Yes.
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[It's as simple as that.]
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[ All those times he told Al he was amazed by and envied his optimism were the truth, to some extent. He didn't think it was possible, that someone could be so determined and still so...good. He thought Al had to be lying somewhere. And while this offer to help still makes him think something's up, he's not automatically assuming Al wants something out of it. Other than maybe his own redemption. Maybe, just maybe, Al doesn't want to use him. ]
Thank you.
[ Another thing he almost never says. He wonders if he'll regret this tomorrow. ]
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He and Ed committed an atrocity, a sin that everyone should hate them for, but nobody did and they had not done it with cruel intentions. They have allies in Scar and Greed, both men who have killed, but both men with reasons and complexities that go beyond just their actions.
He can't ever condone what Gabriel has done, but perhaps he can help him move forwards to a better future.]
What are friends for?
[He'll never get better if someone doesn't extend the hand of friendship.]
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I wouldn't know. I don't think I'd ever had a real one.
I'm going to try and understand this. And I won't hurt anyone, not just to keep myself off the list. If I was being controlled in some way, I don't want to fall into that again.
[ This is a promise he'll fail almost immediately, considering Sherlock's goading. But with how poorly that goes, and his obvious lack of control, he'll keep it in mind for the future. ]
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[That's a promise.]
You're not in this alone.
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I'll do that.
And I know you have plenty of people willing to help you out, and I'm probably the worst candidate out of the bunch. But the same goes for me too. Call me anytime.
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[He isn't going to promise to call him when he has people like Ed and Steph to lean on, but he can at least be gracious.]
I'll talk to you again soon.